Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
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Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”