Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

Boss: what are you doing?!

Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!