Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.

BANK MANAGER: Get out!

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.