Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
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ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Should I call tech support or pray or what
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
O Wise One….
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.