Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.