Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
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[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
translated into Canadian
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.