Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
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I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me