Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
You Might Also Like
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.