Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
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Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.