Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

If only.

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

Spa day..😅

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

I don’t get marriage

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.