Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*