Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

This one never gets the credit it deserves

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.

Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.