Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
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Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Me buying fruit and veg
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
