Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
You Might Also Like
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.