Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
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Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?