Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron