Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

Every house has this drawer

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.