Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
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It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.