Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
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[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
your daddy is a what now?
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me