Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

*cough*

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see