Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
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It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
We found love in a hopeless place.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
👾👾👾
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food