Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
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Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
This is so me 😂😂
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.