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7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
“A little help here, Danny?”
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?