Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

Teens – Slay all day

20s – Rosé all day

30s – Bidet all day

40s – Bengay all day

[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo