Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.