Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
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Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Uh oh…
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?