Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
You Might Also Like
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here