Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
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Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog