Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane

Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*

I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

Kids: We’re bored!

Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things