Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry