Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
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That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”