Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
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[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.