I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
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“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast