Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?