Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone

My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

Why you on this flight to LA?

“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”

What’s it called?

“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?