*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
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Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.