Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

🤔😂😂

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.