Two types of dogs.
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So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Nothing to do, you say?
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.