Two types of dogs.
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I identify as an antique shop.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
My safe word is Worcestershire
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”