two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
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Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach