Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

lol

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.