Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
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I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”