Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

Bros before Ohioes

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

If you are reading this then you are reading this

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.

me: ask them who their CEO is

In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.

Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”

10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”

Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

“Australia is the smallest planet”

– first day of school already paying off

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.