Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
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the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
me hitting on a model
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.