Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
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Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*