two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Wow 🤣
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Room with a view.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
