two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
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Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks