two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
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Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier