Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

Dog: I will guard you with my life!

Cat: What was your name again?

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”