Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?

Me:

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Will keep you posted.

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”