Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
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Google assistant rules
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.