Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
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a fool and his money are hey new iphone
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis