Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
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amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
adam and eve had first world problems
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
