Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
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My favorite female superhero
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
They’re not wrong
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.