Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
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Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is