Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

I just stopped by to water my horse.

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

Alexa! How many calories does wrapping presents burn?

– me through a mouthful of chocolates that were supposed to be a gift

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.

‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop