Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
You Might Also Like
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?