Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!

That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.