Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]

My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.

Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.

as is their right

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

There is no try. There is only give up.

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?