Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
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[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
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PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
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My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
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*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes