Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
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Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes