Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
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The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe