Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

yeah not falling for this one

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you