Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.