Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
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Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I needed a laugh this morning.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka