Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.