Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”