[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
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cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary