Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

Guys, I found it.

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

Well, that didn’t work.

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”

This is amazing.

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

set yourself free xox

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

ㅤ

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.