Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

The Compass

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

This may be my favorite dog video ever.

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*