Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
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Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone