Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

Hey neighbor…

Hope you…

Don’t mind…

Me borrowing…

Your…

Trampoline…

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.