Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

[first date]

Him: What are you passionate about?

Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.

Him: Animals?

Me: Haha. Sure…

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt