Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
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Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Talk about a bad egg
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.