Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
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Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Based Erika
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.