Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.

Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.

8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?

Me: Ask your mom.

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them