Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.

How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!

My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

“No way.” -Jose

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28