Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

6YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

A bold strategy

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…