Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

congratulations to them

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

We have haunted loft which is problem attic.

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.