Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
You Might Also Like
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I can also cook 😂
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
