Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
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My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.