Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
dude it’s called proctologist
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister