Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.

I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

My daughter told me she got her boyfriend by approaching him to feel his hoodie, and saying “this feels like boyfriend material” and now I don’t know what to do with this information.

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.

So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No